all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
