we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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