and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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