Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
