I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
