Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
