o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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