Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
