Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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