you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
