no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
