if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
