wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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