My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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