I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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