Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
