getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
