I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
