4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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