If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
