how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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