My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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