and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
