Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
