No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
