I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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