White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
