I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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