u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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