The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Mom said you looked used
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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