If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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