Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
