ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
