The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Come see our sink grown plant.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
