Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize