Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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