Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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