Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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