I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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