I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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