There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
