This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
