I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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