So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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