dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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