Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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