plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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