Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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