I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
