even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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