Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
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He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
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I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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