real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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