If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
