wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
