Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
